Morning Has Broken's Journal
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
So I just typed up a beautiful, articulate, angry, kick-in-the-balls e-mail to Bjorn and when I hit 'send' I had FUCKING TIMED OUT OF MICROSOFT EXCHANGE.
I could not be angrier. I mean, really, I couldn't. I was really letting him have it. I just don't have the energy to type it up again, at least not right now, so my effort was completely pointless.
UK is on a two-hour delay. But I found that out when I was already dressed with coffee in hand so I just came into the station anyway. I'll get something done so that maybe I can go to bed early tonight to make up for not being able to sleep in right now.
I have met with more opposition from fellow young women on the subject of feminism than anyone else. I think I'm too young to notice the things about society that I do. I'm reading Thomas Szasz's Myth of Mental Illness and he talks about how in life, you accept certain rules to play the game by. I have accepted different rules than most other people concerning my belief in feminism and so I'm playing a completely different game than the majority and so I constantly am, well-isolated- I guess is the best word for it. Not constantly. But 95% of the time. Erich agrees with me but I don't think he really would pick things out on his own, and he certainly wouldn't stand up for things if I wasn't around.
Rob Theakston asked me if I felt the porn industry empowered or enslaved them. HELLO!!?!?! enslaved, I said. He replied 'What about women like Jenna Jameson who have millions of dollars thanks to the porn industry?'
I said 'Money does NOT equal empowerment.'
He made a sort of gesture and facial expression that indicated (as I, personally, thought) I had a VERY GOOD POINT.
Then Carley said 'Fuck the empowerment of women.' and she was serious.
ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh what isolating rules I've adopted for my game of life. I didn't think it would be this way. I am discouraged. But I know I'm right. Or at least, to be fair, it feels right to believe the things I do, and I have considered the alternative and that feels wrong.
But this is how I become a great person, right? By meeting with a world of opposition, save a few girlfriends and good books, and then still holding onto those things that I think are right. This is how I become good. I think about all the sides and have things to say about each of them.
Also I have a stye (sp?) Like, a pimple in my eye. I think.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I hope I never forget how to be alone.
I've been absolutely dragging my eyes through Terry Eagleton's Literary Theory. I think it's THE WORST book I've ever had to read. Not worst written, but like worst thing I've had to read. Really. I prefer intellectual- and most of the time even analytical- discussion over every other kind of discussion because I don't feel like I'm wasting my breath on something I'll forget once it leaves my mouth (ie people stuff/dramma stuff). But even I can't handle the infinite dissection and re-dissection and flipping over and upside down of LITERATURE.
I should feel naive, but actually I feel refreshingly proud of the fact that I was under the assumption that literature was not an exclusive body of texts. I thought literature meant all writing. Apparently (and this was the first step down a long and spiraling staircase into confusion) not.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I clench my teeth when I sleep now.
I've been thinking about cashing in those free therapy sessions that you get when you're in college, but also all I want to be told is how to handle my problems. And I think it will be most beneficial for me to figure it out on my own until I have something important to talk about.
For now I study Nancy Botwin on how to handle conflict and confrontation. Also Queen Elizabeth.
So far I've learned that being the nice one/the best roommate does not get me anywhere. People still don't like me because I ask them not to smoke in the house. And I turn the thermostat from 74 to a more reasonable 69 or 70.
So what I need to worry about now is not trying so hard to make everyone happy. Or caring if they're happy. Or caring about them at all.
Not my friends.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
I've never gotten the html thing down. Which, in most aspects of life, doesn't bother or affect me. Except when I have to surrender all trust and faith to Bjorn for computer-related things.
Oh my god. Have I mentioned that he's basically halted my job for several months now? Let's see if it's a semester... he keeps putting off how long it's going to take to get some sort of text file for me to catalogue the CD's with.
Listening to In Rainbows. Radiohead is so mysterious. I'm late to appreciate them, too. But I still can.
I'm babysitting, actually. I jumped at the chance to do a last-minute job. Usually it's because no matter what my plans with Erich are, I'll usually cancel them in order to make a little extra money. Today I honestly didn't think about the money until later because what appealed to me so much was being in someone's quiet house and having 2 hours of silence to study. Oh yeah and free snacks. The boys were already asleep when I got here, so pretty much this is a vacation for me.
Funny how that works. The parents just need to get out of the house and I just need to get in a house that isn't a) freezing or b) loud and smokey. It's like the perfect arrangement. I just took a power nap and now I should go back to reading for ARC 111.
It's weird, now that it's November and I've got a little over a month left of school I'm getting cabin fever. I felt really restless last night. I can't wait to get ARC 111 over with. I can't wait until next semester. I'll probably have just as much work, but one less class will be fantastic. Then I'll be done with the Honors cycle and done with voice lessons. Oh goodness gracious! Well not completely done with Honors, but done with the class. Maybe I'll do independent study project...? I've been thinking I'd like to interview boys and girls at younger ages about their views on which is better: male or female? Because this is where it all starts, really young, when we're taught that boys are stronger (and therefore better and more valuable). Usually it's very subliminal, but at some point I went from nursing baby dolls to suppressing my femininity and cursing the on-set of puberty in 5th/6th grade.
Why?
I don't know. It's just an idea, and then I think: "is that really going to help the world?" Maybe not the plan I have right now, so I have to figure out some way I can be a positive influence in the world. Something like an independent study project could be a really cool opportunity for me.
But that's a long way off and I'm glad. I could also just wait until I have to do an internship for Interior Design. Options options.
I talked to my dad today about my feelings of guilt/unrest with Erich. That doesn't describe the conversation adequately at all. I told him I still had crushes on other boys and I knew that's normal but I always end up feeling so so guilty for it. But then I don't stop it. When I tried a month ago to do that, I just had lots of dreams full of infidelity. I guess I feel bad because I don't tell Erich about it. Also I feel bad because I know this boy likes me. But he has a girlfriend now too, so whatever whatever.
I just always thought I'd date at least one more boy that was bad for me in college.
But I'm lucky, and society doesn't tell us that enough. To be single is to be young and exciting. To be unattached is to have a life full of possibilities and options. To be happy and monogamous is to be boring, and usually it's also directly associated with not having any good friends anymore, because all you do is stay in.
I have a feeling I'd want to stay the same amount even if I was single. The social network is exhausting and it's phony.
I have to read more about 20th century architecture. I can't wait until I can look back at this entry and think 'how wonderful to be done with that class...' until then..... I'm a slave.
Friday, November 2, 2007
I've been meaning to write, but it's so inconvenient to write in the little book I have.
funny thing that needs recording:
Erich cannot cross his eyes. I mean- who can't do that?
Also, Stephanie needs to write her stories down, or I will, and I'll make so much money selling a memoir of her crazy stories.
- the lock-down
- conversations with Kent
- James
- Kumbi/Adam/pawned trumpet/ecstacy debachle
Yesterday I hung out with her, as I usually do once a week, and I realized that I am one of the only stable friends stephanie has. Her other ones dropped her senior year. I don't know why I don't just tell her sometimes that she makes terrible decisions. I guess because whenever she tells me about them, it seems like she's so self-aware of where she went wrong, there's no point in lecturing her. It's just that she repeats them.
We went to Curry House and had the most delicious Chicken Tikka Masala, it knocked off the former Kashmir's recipe. (sorry).
I've been really missing the people I've lost contact with lately. In a weird way. I'll never act on these impulses, but I keep wanting to call Michael Poindexter, or say to Mike V 'remember how sophomore year we predicted that Hermione and Ron would get together in the end, and we promised that even though we'd be sophomores in college we'd call each other when it happened.' I mean silly stuff. I think it's a consequence of having forgiven everyone for the way high school ended for all of us. Things still remind me of something Mandy might like, but I don't want people to think I haven't moved on.
I've definitely moved on. But life is cyclical, so I'm back in a good place, and I want to remind people of the good place we were in when we first loved each other. It's just so strange to be separate from people I used to be so close with. I know why and how, and I don't want to be friends again. I just want them to know that I remember them fondly.
I'm hitting my stride in studio. I also get to start making models which is super super fun, but something I never thought I'd be good at.
Ilovesex, btw.
Started a new book, which is really just another installment of these two books that I read and loved in high school. Talk about guilty pleasure reading. It's so great to throw myself into a book, though. It's made me really relaxed about responsibility, and that's okay. For a while I stopped caring so much about my GPA, because I've spent my whole life doing that, and in the end it doesn't seem so crucial. But then I remember that if it wasn't as high as it is I wouldn't have gotten full tuition from GSA and then I remember that I want to get into Gaines Fellowship. So goddamn, I'll have to keep putting forth effort. I'm cool with that.
I was never comfortable with the aspect of selling myself in the vocal department, even though I realized that was very important to success. But now I'll sell myself, because now I like what I'm doing.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I broke down last night and did a sink full of dishes (that, FOR THE FUCKING RECORD WERE NOT MINE, NOT ONE OF THEM) that smelled like vomit because they'd been sitting for a week and I found multiple cigarette butts. So it sucks living with people, especially these girls who think they're really cool. I have high expectations out of a roommate because of Katie last year, but this is what I want: do your own dishes, clear your stuff out of the common areas at least once a week/two weeks, recycle, don't smoke in the house.
So they don't do these things.
Whatever.
Some days I think I should've gone to art school because I have these crazy ideas that really excite me but then I think I could never ever do them because I'm still afraid of what people think (this little part of me). Like I think that having a menstral cycle is beautiful and wonderful and I wish that it wasn't embarassing or hidden. I wish it was celebrated because it's the potential for life every month. I mean, really, it's a wonderful thing to be a woman. I just had this weird moment of connectedness with the earth on Friday and it was pretty great. I left studio for a second to look out the window and right as I walked upstairs it started to rain, I watched the dry spots on the pavement disappear. I wished I could be alone in a forest and not avoid the rain. I think that's where humans started going wrong, with roads and mascara, and all the things that are ruined by the rain. The rain is in the right, so don't block it out. I felt something move inside me, like a little cramp.
I'm getting more and more outspoken and I've found a few people who tell me that to be that way is good, not to shut up. I've been a little afraid that someone is going to ask me (in regards to my feelings on feminism/chauvinism/egalitarianism) what I'm angry for, who has oppressed me? But I've realized that that's okay that I haven't personally been too affected, because now I'm in a position to recognize the damage that was done to me and try to prevent it a little in my sister and I can tell other girls that the things they think are normal are not. Boys are not better, and I wish society would quit implying that ever-so-slightly.
I'm getting a little more articulate about things I care about. Local food, grass-fed meat, the empowerment of women. But still I have SO FAR TO GO. I never realized how difficult it is for me to express myself clearly through speech. It's much easier to write, eh?
I've been reading wind, I've been writing a little more. I'm on the right track I think. I like Akron/Family, it makes me wild.
I like singing opera style to annoy my roommates (just for like 30 seconds), and I just heard Kayla walking down the stairs singing, I hope I'm rubbing off.
So there there there. Here I am, I'm a growing girl!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I've noticed today that the first sip is the best. It always goes downhill after that. (speaking in terms of drinks: frappaccino's and diet pepsi's) Which is so disappointing because every time I take a drink I'm trying to match the flavor intake of the first sip.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I've found that the most special thing about being in a relationship is that no one can really every know how the two of you relate when you're alone.
I enjoy every day that we can spend on the weekends.
Today we drew numbers for rooms and I got the room I pictured myself in from the beginning. Funny, isn't it?
Kayla & Stephania got the upstairs bedrooms and Tara got the big master bedroom w/ its own bath. Also funny because Tara is teeny and she got the biggest room. I almost feel guilty that I got the one I wanted because at first I made a fuss over it. But gradually I began visualizing myself in the worst rooms and imagining how I would make them nice. I have to get rid of my over-worrying complex. Seriously. I worry myself into severe anxiety sometimes. I don't want anyone to be mad, and I don't want to feel smug either.
Whatever. More and more I have to tell myself to just be like Colleen. She doesn't care about things that don't matter.
I am reading Grendel and Erich just started Beowulf. I have so much fun with him. It's so unique to find someone that really wants to do the same things you want to. We have molded to each other I think.
Anyway I really like Grendel. He keeps saying that I should've read Beowulf first but that's where we differ. I like to consider and argue for the mis-understood underdog and he always stands behind the hero.
I had fun seeing Lana on Friday. Happy Ambiguous Anniversary!
Also I'm coming down with a case of workaholism. I want to be at WRFL way more than I am. I want to get more done than I ever can in a day. I want to do everything! Now that I'm out of school I can, and especially since Chuck and I made the office more spacious. I really like being in there now. I like all the different colors of the radio station. I want to get everything cleaned up and in its right place. But that is like rully rully rully big time lotta stuff.
Also I got an A in Calculus.
I feel very lucky in life lately. Being in that state scares me a little because it's impossible to hold onto and I feel slightly undeserving. I've thought a lot about how lucky I've been to be born into the life that I have been.
So I'm thinking of curtains and endtables and now I must sleep for tomorrow I will play a little music for the lord and the people of Midway Christian Church.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I think I might have one but I'm not doing anything about it yet.
Erich is all the way moved in now. I've spent all weekend moving him into his new house. Moved out and in all Saturday then spent yesterday and today unpacking and doing family things. I kind of take over when it comes to setting up his room and I'm so glad that he just lets me. He kept saying 'Thank you so much for all your help! You're so wonderful!' and finally I just had to tell him that it's not because I'm just really nice, it's because I want to make sure his room looks good because I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. Also I can't stand being in a room with boxes sitting out. I'd rather just get it done. And we did.
Now I just need about 12 hours of sleep.
My car has been at the mechanic's for 3 days now. Memorial Day Weekend slows everything down.
Went out with Erich and his brother to his father's grave at Camp Nelson. It was so sad to see his father's name on a gravestone. Later we watched home movies and that was sad too. I hurt for him. I think a big part of the way he is has to do with his dad, wanting to be like his dad when he was younger and just having him as a model. He's kept so much of his dad's stuff, old army things. I pressure him to throw things away more often, and I feel bad because of it. He's very sentimental. He'll have lots of keepsake boxes when he's older. He better have a big attic in his house.
Anyway. I love him a lot, and I love his family and they love me.
I'm perfectly content to spend every weekend like this. Holed up in Erich's room doing some project with him, not seeing any other friends. I just feel so guilty when I think about not hanging out with anyone. I guess it's gotten to the point, I mean really gotten to the point, where all my other friends have faded away. Obviously mainly it's because of Erich, but also I feel I identify less and less with friends lately. He's been my best friend for a while now.
Monday, April 16, 2007
I think I have a pretty bad short term memory. Mostly because I'm always thinking of what I'll have to do next, and not necessarily in the place that I'm located. But this is the reason, and because now I'm happy that I just don't want to hear from my old friends. I've found this fantastic comfort bubble and everything else I hear I just want to say "I'm over it I'm over it I'm over it" But I guess for a while now I won't be able to escape hearing about and caring about old pieces of my life.
Okay I hope for good news tonight. But I'm prepared for other things.
also I think maybe blogs are stupid.
whoops, sorry.
Monday, April 9, 2007
It looks like we're moving in by June, which is exciting. The future is not so distant, although I will still be taking a class at that point.
Is it inevitable to be involved with flakey people? This is something that I've never liked, yet I've already come across several people in my life this year that just do not honor commitments they make. I think that's a big deal. Maybe it's the way I was raised, I was never really allowed to quit anything early. I never dropped a class, I never stopped lessons or teams before the year was over. But whatever, what I mean is what people say they will do. My voice teacher has informed me that "Fridays won't work for her anymore for the rest of the semester."
I haven't had a regular lesson for probably two months now. They've all been at random make-up times, on the week-ends, on my lunch breaks. I hate it. And having them at odd times means my accompanist usually can't come. Yet she demands that I have someone there. It's really not fair and it's really difficult. I've held off complaining for a long time, but I feel as though sometimes if you keep giving someone the benefit of the doubt, they will back you into a corner until you are sorry you ever were an optimist.
Oh well. I have good friends, even if I still haven't mastered the art of making good new ones yet.
And the semester is almost over. That both gives me hope and makes things seem harder at the same time.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Right in the middle of things, that's when we still wanted to be better than our moms. Well what happened to that? There's things about our parents that we shouldn't imitate because they're our BIGGEST lessons. So why give up and say I'm just going to be like my mom? Don't! Not yet! Not at least until you're actually a mom. I still think we can do better than how we were raised, because we learned so many lessons by what is good and what is bad in how we were raised.
I'm not my mom and I'm not my dad.
Maybe I should just stop reading my old friends' blogs, but every time it makes me sad. Not judgey sad, but I-really-know-you-or-used-to sad. Isn't it sad to see your old friends give up on those really cool dreams that made you fall in love with them? I mean I've long since fallen out of love, but still I want the best, and I want them to be good people. They used to be.
It seems like there's a couple of decisions that I've made that I can't all the way take credit for. Decisions that were really good. I mean I've made them, but I've just sort of drifted that way as well... Like I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into at first, but later I was glad.
I'm studying for Asian Music test, I'm not so motivated for this one... It's v. hard.
I have learned things since high school and I'm glad. Mostly I've learned that it's better to be nice than to be anything else. Nice having the connotation of kind and good and considerate. It's better to be those things. Most people will think that is obvious, but I didn't really know until college. So this gives me hope that our group of friends won't shrivel up the way it did in high school. Because it's different people, less promiscuity, a little more grown-up.
I should stop talking so much shit, though. I'm pretty bad about that.
Anyway, I'm all about self-improvement all the time. And recycling, and the springtime. And also love. And also buying furniture at GOODWILL. Hollla.
Dear Lana,
I bought a pair of sweet chairs at goodwill for da house. Get ready to sit in them.
My dad doesn't talk to me when I come home other than to say hello and goodbye. He's not mean, but he's not nice or welcoming either. I think my absence hurts him. I think that rather than accept that I'm gone for good he just pretends it's not happening. Or maybe he just doesn't like me and I'm rationalizing.
Anyway. Four weeks left of class and after this one I'll feel a lot better. Actually I won't feel better until school is over but this week is hard.
Friday, March 9, 2007
i'm in such a good mood because of spring being here. Ima put on a skirt and walk Aggie w/ e-mise.
I will miss my friends over spring break, but I'm glad that there's not a lot of pressure for me to go anywhere, I'd like to sleep in my old bed some nights (provided my dad fixes it... as usually he broke something and then just left it to stay that way forever)
I will miss lana, and probably Katie. I will miss stephanie. kayla's leaving too.
hopefully sunday night i'm getting to fill lana's show. kayla promised to come hang out with me while i did it. i will play dance music and take preparatory naps.
I know everyone would like to skip even more on sunny days like this, but for me it makes going to class very easy. It was much harder to go to class when it was so cold and unpleasant.
'Sleep my sprinbok baby, sleep my springbok child.'
I hope i will write some poetry while i have this free time. I've been so bad about not writing.
class time.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Being back at the Opera House after a two-year hiatus is really odd. I walked in Tuesday night and was one of the first ones there. The dressing room was empty and the make-up lights were off. I tried to do some reading. It's just so strange, that building. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's a different world down there. Yesterday we rehearsed from 2-5:20 and then 6-11:15. It didn't seem as long as a normal class day, but I forgot what day it was, I felt disoriented and I passed out within an hour of leaving.
The main thing that's starting to bother me about music majors is how much they complain. I think they do it for two reasons: A) Because they think it makes them sound more professional. If someone is sitting there talking about how flat the altos are going or how unreasonable the conductor's interpretation of the symphony is, it makes them sound like they know better (or at least that's what they think, they sound like whiny bitches to me.) And B) It's like a weird way for them to bond with their classmates. Since most music majors (instrumental and vocal alike) are slightly socially inept, they know they can always complain together if they have nothing else to say. All of my voice teacher's former students love to launch into their sob stories of how she abandoned them and how she wasn't there to inspire them, and how it's her responsibility to do such & such. But whatever, I think you have to take responsibility for everything you can if you want to have the right to complain.
I haven't had a very good experience in the voice studio that I'm in, because my teacher is currently teaching at North Texas University for half of the week and then flying back here. BUT I don't really care. I am a vocal major Slacker. I like that we don't have studio class once a week, it's one less thing for me to do. I like that she sometimes cancels lessons because, again, it frees me up. But I don't like having to reschedule, because that's hard.
Anyway, I feel boring and whiny even explaining the situation. I just can't stand these people any longer. I can't be a music major because I don't want to sit in class and listen to the band people talk about how "The Opera is absolutely going to fall apart. It's going to crash and burn. In the third act we had to stop like 3 or 4 times." Hello. I'm right behind you. I'm in Carmen. And also, we're all in this together.
I'm not mad though, I just am really looking forward to Spring Break, so I can catch my breath, I won't even be able to go anywhere good.
For now I see the people that I love for very brief snippets of time and I hope that I move my mouth convincingly enough when I forget the words on stage.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
So I'm back. I knew I missed blogging, but didn't want to be where all my friends were.
I don't have a reason to blog the way I used to. I don't have secret affairs or strong feelings I will write directed towards a certain person but never say. But that is a very good thing.
Today starts Tech Week of Carmen and I guess I don't fully know what I've gotten myself into. Tonight is the dress rehearsal and I don't even have it all memorized. That is BAD. I've never spoken French, so I'm just memorizing these syllables and sounds and stringing them together. It's hard to memorize when you don't know what you're saying.
The only time I feel really satisfied is when I'm with Erich and we have the night or the afternoon, or some long period of time that nullifies thinking about time. But then when that is over the dissatisfaction sets in again. Then I'm running around, trying to get things done, feeling like I don't spend enough time with my friends, feeling like I don't have that many friends anymore.
I was telling Lana today I'm not sure whether it's a character flaw, or a natural process, but I've never had friends longer than 3 or 4 years. My longest friend right now is probably Tanner, but he's not really a good friend. Besides that it's Danni, and I wouldn't say we're the best of friends right now either.
I got an A on my Asian music test. Thank goodness. I do a lot better than I expect almost every time. Let's hear it for low expectations!
I think I'm going to spend next semester just finishing all the general requirements I can and making sure I want to be a business major. A business major. That sounds so lame. I've always had a mouthful of bullshit things to say when people ask what I'm majoring in: "Music, Voice and English, Creative Writing specifically" Well where am I now? I don't know. Thinking about the future.
I just want to get a house, make sure I can pay for it and get in it. With all the girls. I want to paint, I want to take a roadtrip to IKEA. I want to have Erich spend the night in MY bed for once. This isn't to say I don't feel at home in 513, I do. I'm just not paying rent. I don't technically live there, I'm just around almost every night and all weekend.
Anyway.
This is what I mean, I have nothing compelling to write about anymore.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Stafford:
This morning before I (awoke) I had a very vivid dream that I was conversing with Ed McClanahan about schools and which ones I was interested in.
He asked me how you were doing, where you were, and for some reason I answered that you were at Browning in California.
I'm pretty sure this University doesn't exist.
But I told him you were doing wonderful and you loved it there.
Also, in my dream Browning's school colors were green and white.
You don't even know Ed McClanahan, this makes it even weirder.
So that is that.
Basically......
I'm dreaming about you :)
Sunday, October 30, 2005
and so sundays are never good for me. i thought this one might be alright since i spent most of it out of the house. but after many sundays i finally figured it out when i was watching this one approach that i can't soak in my house for too long. and sundays i usually try to stay home since the day before i am almost always gone the entire day. but my house is bad for me. and i end every sunday early and unhappy.
i helped kayla move into her apartment this weekend. i suffered only a minor cut on my pointer finger, but now i feel like we are life-friends. and it already feels like home. tonight was grocery shopping and first-cooked meal in her new oven. unpacking new dishes is delightful.
we kept referring to things needing to be done in the apartment as things 'we' would take care of or 'we' would do. and when another friend of kayla's came over yesterday it sounded very much like either a) we were both living there or b) we were lesbian girlfriends and i was living there. both of which i'm okay with. people thinking i'm someone's girlfriend just means we're probably great close friends.
i came home and my mom had stacked a molded steak on top of a tupperware container full of molded stir-fry on my dresser. because i had complained about the foul smell in the refrigerator. my mom is often referred to as a bitch in my house. figures.
what i mean to say, i guess, about sundays is that in the future i know i must handle them carefully.
things are happier when we create them for ourselves. is that selfish? no, i think that is true.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
i want too much i want
too much. too completely.
in other news:
my science teacher from eighth grade has switched over to my sister's school and is now her 8th grade science teacher. He has taken his old books with him and she found my old one today and apparently i had written captions on some of the pictures. i forgot how much of a smartass i used to be. i could be embarassed, because they were written.... in a state of mind that completely excluded the possibility of my little sister reading it. but she thinks that i'm funny, so really, that's all that matters.
'tokiko is havin so much trouble'
Saturday, October 8, 2005
i overslept today, unreasonably because i didn't stay out last night, i was out by midnight. but despite this, i turned my alarm off somewhere in between 10 and 11 this morning, resulting in a phone call at 12:34 from Panera saying 'you were supposed to be here at 12'
sorry lonnie, sorry.
so my late arrival resulted then in having to stay late and giving me only a split second to change clothes before babysitting (and coincidentally, luckily, only a split second to get yelled at my mom for lying about making deposits in my bank account)
so i'm looking real rough, i'm going to be late to julia's, and i kept hoping i would faint in the back at work since the only thing i had in my system was diet pepsi. but i didn't.
i think my hands are shaking a little bit too.
but anyway, since my mind isn't entirely turned on i'm convinced everything's fine.
also i think i'm going to start praying again. it can't hurt.
i'm glad of the cold weather, there's a sweater i've been meaning to wear.
shower? i think not.
Monday, May 23, 2005
i am two pages into writing my last paper of junior year. I should be completely done. But on account of my weak-ass vocal chords, and the prescribed vocal rest that kept me from completing the assignments the rest of the normal vocal majors did, i have to write a paper.
anyway, it's okay, i did it all weekend, i don't know why this last one is so hard.
I got the 'Marge Piercy Award' in Creative Writing today. The subtext was 'for probing the depths of adolescent relationships in her poetry'
and they spelled my name wrong.
I am so very ashamed. Yes, yes, maybe I do write about my relationships the majority of the time, but i was only hoping that that was not was i was defined by. Because that of course translates into 'emo-kid' which translates into 'sad angsty girl' which translates into all sorts of things i don't want to be classified as.
I really hate facing what other people think of me. I really hate it, because i don't have the energy to tell them they're wrong, and they're probably right, they're probably based their opinion of me on a long period of observation and things i've done.
alas alas alas.
so furthermore, when writing in my journal today, i'm going through writer-identity crisis. shall i not write about what i'm thinking about? shall i force myself to write something terribly witty and abstract about my dogs? i don't feel strongly about my dogs, or the computer desk, or my pencil pouch, i feel strongly about the people i have relationships with.
is it so wrong then, to write about what i feel the most strongly towards?
maybe i'm just scared that at GSA i will be pigeon-holed in some sort of close-minded way such as that. such as 'the girl who always writes love poems' well they're not love poems, and would you rather hear about my 'trouble at home' because that would most likely make you more uncomfortable.
anyway, regardless regardless regardless.... i am being called upon to re-kindle a friendship that i'm not so clear on now why i ended. i can make up reasons like "i never knew you were that person" or "i'm not sure of who you are" or something lame, something manufactured. but the truth is i've been feeling very lonely. i've been feeling like just because i have something to say doesn't mean i should say it. and i have to make the decision some time in the next couple of years whether or not i want to stand on my own and accept the loneliness that comes with it, or be with people i don't particularly like to have myself represented by.
wopaei ;xckljv
i'm just procrastinating this paper, that's all.
everything's fine.
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